Hong Kong — A long-awaited industry report released Tuesday by the Joint Council of Martial Arts Cinematographers has concluded, after a three-year study, that the choreographed combat depicted in feature-length kung fu films does not accurately represent the actual martial art of kung fu as practiced by its lifelong students.
The 412-page report, which had been delayed several times "to make it look cooler," found that essentially every action sequence filmed in the genre since 1971 has involved at least one of the following: wires, edits, doubles, foam props, slowed playback, accelerated playback, sound design, or all of the above simultaneously, as in The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (1978).
"The findings have been difficult for some fans of the genre to absorb," said one executive who has been making kung fu films since 1973. "As a result, my house has several broken items and holes in the wall. Because of my children."
What the Report Found
One hundred percent of choreographers surveyed acknowledged using wire work in at least one scene. More than 70% of households with children watching Drunken Master (1978) have had one or more interior items, walls or floors damaged or destroyed. This includes rocking chairs, televisions, grandma's antique candy dish, and a variety of other accoutrements. The destruction gets even worse if a medium to large dog is present.
In the audio spectrum, impact sounds in Martial Arts films are added in post-production, by a foley artist hitting a side of meat with a wooden bat. Meanwhile 100% of parents that work nights have reported being woken in the afternoon by children making the most god-awful screams during The Five Deadly Venoms (1978). "I thought the cat was being sucked into the vacuum," said Dan Sorensen, a UPS overnight driver, who reportedly screamed, in a normal parent voice, that he needed his goddamn sleep and was about to Kung Fu his boys' asses!
Ghosts are also known to haunt houses that have Kung Fu films showing, resulting in unexplained thumps on the ceiling upstairs while children quietly watch Master of the Flying Guillotine (1976). Some children have claimed to witness random objects flying around the room and breaking, and have sworn it was by some invisible force. One enterprising screenwriter is reportedly pitching a History Channel project for "Haunted Kung Fu Houses with Children," in which unearthly haunting Chi-gathering sounds accompany mysteriously spilled drinks and pillow stuffing everywhere.
Adult men, the report adds, have also been known to break out into spontaneous Kung Fu sparring when channel-surfing past an old black and white showing of The Story of Wong Fei-hung (1949). "I guess we really weren't thinking," Dale Fonterau told his angry wife as she stood accusingly over the broken floor lamp. She pointed out that the five beers he had already had with his buddy Darshell had likely contributed.
What Comes Next
Despite a long history of loudly shouting their attack form in advance, the industry remains tight-lipped about any planned changes, such as Parental Advisory Labels for Kung Fu films, Surgeon General's Warnings about the percentage of people that end up in the emergency room after splitting their heads open on the coffee table while watching Enter the Dragon (1973), or Government pamphlets about kung-fu-proofing your house.
The industry is expected to continue making films exactly the way it always has, as long as it is cheap. Cheap production, cheap, unpaid actors, not-special effects and poorly dubbed English. Mr. Vampire (1985) is a standout for its inexpensive production, and also for refusing to acknowledge gravity at all.
Asked whether the report would lead to any changes in practice, a spokesperson for the Joint Council clarified, "Try to make us! You will regret your impertinence. We will seek vengeance until every single one-armed boxer is finished!" A spokesperson for the spokesperson softened the language to "the Council's Finishing Move."
The report's authors concede this pattern will continue to escalate, and predict that at least six people that read this article will poke their cubicle neighbor's eyes with Eagle Claw technique.
Satyr Satire requested comment from the Joint Council of Martial Arts Cinematographers. The Council recommended that kids play outside, not inside the house, unless they want an ass-whooping.