Est. Ben "Jammin" Franklin · All The News That Fits
Satyr Satire has been reporting on everything that matters for some time. Some of what we report has turned out to be accurate. We consider this a reasonable average.
Satyr Satire was established by Benjamin Franklin. We cannot prove this and neither can you. We have been reporting the news ever since, with varying degrees of accuracy and a consistent commitment to the news fitting, whatever size it needs to fit.
Our editorial mission is to report events as they are described to us by people who are confident they have occurred. We do not independently verify whether confidence is warranted. We consider this approach efficient.
Satyr Satire is headquartered in a location we describe as "the center of everything." This phrase has not aged poorly so much as it has never fully aged in any direction.
We are aware that the word satire does not derive from satyr. We have always been aware of this. We would like to note that we were aware of it before you were, which is not possible to verify but feels true.
The word satire comes from the Latin satura, meaning a full dish — a medley, a miscellany, a platter of mixed items. The satyr is a creature from Greek mythology: part man, part goat, associated with forests, wine, and a general atmosphere of poor decision-making. The two words share no etymological relationship. Scholars have confirmed this. We did not require confirmation.
We chose the satyr anyway. The satyr seemed right. The satyr is earnest in its appetites, uncritical of its enthusiasms, and completely convinced it understands the situation. We felt this described our coverage accurately. We stand by the choice. We are not taking questions about the choice.
Everything published in Satyr Satire is satirical fiction. No events depicted have occurred. No individuals quoted have said what they are quoted as saying. No organizations described have done what they are described as doing. No scientists have found what they are reported to have found. No naval commanders have invoked what they are reported to have invoked.
This includes the articles. It includes the pull quotes. It includes the advertisements, the corrections, the man-on-the-street interviews, and the footnotes noting that Satyr Satire reached out for comment. It includes, for the avoidance of doubt, Benjamin Franklin.
It also includes you. You are a fictional reader, reading fictional news, about fictional events, in a world that is proceeding more or less as described regardless. Satyr Satire thanks you for your fictional continued readership. We could not do this without you. We could not do this with you either. We are doing it anyway.
Satyr Satire holds its reporters to a high standard of earnestness. We do not editorialize. We do not wink. We report what people say, and what they say is the story.
Corrections are issued when errors are confirmed. Errors are confirmed when they become impossible to deny. Satyr Satire has issued eleven corrections in its history. We are proud of this number.
All reporting is attributed to Staff Reporter. This is not because we have only one reporter. We have several. They prefer it this way.
Satyr Satire is proud to partner with Forever Paper and Forever Ink, whose commitment to permanence aligns with our editorial values. When the servers go down, the record stands. Benjamin Franklin believed this. It is printed on Forever Paper.