Offered a single gift from a civilization millions of years ahead, humanity submitted measurements. "They could have reached light-years," said one xenotechnologist. "They settled for a few inches."

Ontologists announce the death of irony. Second coming of irony may not be for 2,000 years.

They might also take them down someday when it's no longer profitable.

Subject too complex to distill into a single sound-byte.

December 31, 2028 will roll directly to January 1, 2030, an emergency workaround for the Y29K problem.

"This complicates things," said one researcher, who asked not to be named because he had not yet told his team.