Geneva Presented by the visiting delegation with a single technology of their choosing, drawn from a catalog that included faster-than-light travel, the cure for every disease, and the permanent end of material scarcity, the people of Earth have voted, by a wide and unambiguous margin, for penis-lengthening. The voters were primarily men.
The offer was extended in the spirit of goodwill. Men everywhere wanted even more extension. The representative council said it would be one of the hardest technologies to develop because, as one Extra-Terrestrial put it, "We don't have penises. I don't know if you've noticed, but you don't see long dongs in our thongs."
The Ballot
The ballot listed the candidate technologies in order of what the delegation called 'civilizational consequence.' Making everyone rich came in third. Making everyone else poor came second. 'Planet of horny women' was the popular write-in vote.
A xenotechnologist who reviewed the results described the moment the data came in. "We could have cured death," she said. "It was line two." Instead, the ballots came back with dick pics stapled to them. These were not pics to brag about. A few even had sticky notes begging, 'please make bigger.'
The voting process was designed to remain anonymous. Voting results were mailed in a plain, discreet envelope with the words 'Forum Dictatum' on the outside. Shipping charges were billed discreetly on credit cards as 'Better Expectations'.
The Mandate
Pressed on whether the cure for all disease might have served more people, one voter, who chose to remain anonymous, was unmoved. "This is a disease. It's not been formally recognized as such, but it severely limits my self-esteem and perceived attractiveness." Sexual partners, meanwhile, asserted that they don't care about size, but immediately asked, "how much we talking about, here?"
Earth's scientists, frustrated by their own failed attempts to make dongs long, are enthusiastic about exploiting tech from other worlds to do it. "We're not in the business of judging," says Dr. Girth, an andrologist at Brackton University. "My own hog isn't exactly a log." His wife agrees. With the non-judgment assessment. She tries not to judge, either.
The MacGuffin
The aliens, for their part, had no visible reaction, merely looking at each other, in what could be interpreted as either telepathic communication or universal judgment.
The message, when it came, arrived without a single mouth moving. "Humans wonder why we don't speak to you more often. This is why. Everything is money and sex with you people, and 'gimme, gimme, gimme'. You do not consider our feelings at all, the disgusting third legs that you want us to grow for you. We're not impressed at all. We're still fascinated, deeply fascinated. But not impressed."
Despite their reservations, the E.T. delegation admitted it had a device to do this. "Of course there is a device! Haven't you watched science fiction films? There is always a device. It's part of the motif. And it's no coincidence that the devices we use on Earth are always penis-shaped. It's so you want to touch them."
At press time, a new petition began circulating for quicker, longer, and more satisfying results from the aliens.
The Satyr Satire author of this story asked the delegation for priority queuing, with the catch-phrase 'remember my member'.