France accuses US of Culinary Appropriation

PARIS — The French Ministry of Gastronomic Sovereignty filed a 400-page grievance with the World Trade Organization on Tuesday, formally accusing the United States of the systematic culinary appropriation of dishes France insists were borrowed 'without attribution, garnish, or remorse.'

The complaint demands the immediate repatriation of French fries, French toast, and French dressing, plus a retroactive licensing fee for every American diner that has ever printed the phrase 'au jus' directly beside the words 'with dipping sauce.'

The filing reserved special fury for 'à la mode,' a phrase meaning 'in the current style' that Americans have, without consultation or apology, reassigned to mean 'buried under ice cream.'

"We, the people of France, shart in your American stew. Stop pilfering our haute cuisine," said a spokesman for the Ministry of Gastronomic Sovereignty.

France styled its 400-page grievance 'J'Accuse,' over the WTO's objection that Americans probably think this is a tasty new menu item at Carl's Jr. restaurant, if you can call it that. Inside the strongly worded letter, the French accused American cooks of being the Sham in Shampagne, of producing Counterfeta cheese, and of having some eggsplaining to do.

Markets accused right back, with American food-chain stock prices sliding down the oily flat-grill of the Dow, and into the grease-trap of delisting. Analysts warned that should 'French' be ruled a protected origin, the United States would owe France a supersized value menu Settlement+. Maybe even an additional plus.

The filing struck its first complication within the hour, when Belgium, which actually invented the fried potato, moved to intervene in the grievance, accusing the French of appropriating the appropriation. The timeline was bogged down in an exchange of strongly worded letters between the two neighboring countries. Eventually, they agreed to put aside their differences and jointly hate the United States, because it was further away, and wealthier than both of them put together.

American trade representatives responded that the United States would defend its heritage 'as American as apple pie,' despite the apple pie being invented in England in 1381. The original English apple pie recipe called for no sugar, and tasted about as bad as one would expect from British food. Indeed, Britain was the only country pleased to have someone else take the blame for a cuisine that also produced blood pudding, a sausage that is legally half meat, and a tomato boiled on purpose. "We don't even eat British food," a real British person was quoted as saying.

Early testimony has already implicated the croissant, invented in Vienna; the hamburger, named for Hamburg; and the Danish, which is, by the sworn admission of the Danish delegation, Austrian. Tribunal judges insisted that all of the described food be brought before them to review the evidence. By late Tuesday, they ruled a mistrial because all of the evidence had been digested.

"We stand by apple pie, hot dogs, and every other food we were handed by an immigrant, then claimed to have invented," said a spokesman for the U.S. Office of Culinary Heritage. The United States, pressed to name one dish it could prove was entirely its own, submitted the all-you-can-eat buffet, the practice of labeling other people's food 'ethnic,' and the deep-fried stick of butter, which the tribunal accepted on the grounds that no other civilization would confess to it.

Satyr Satire reached out to the disputed hot dog for comment. It couldn't hear our question, being à la mode, and therefore buried under ice cream. At press time, the hot dog was searching for mustard-flavored ice cream.