Saturn Io Base Delta 3 A spokesperson for the Joint Endeavor of Earth Visitors moved Tuesday to bridge the uncanny valley between humanity and its guests, asking Earth to look past the enormous eyes, the absent jaw, the smooth grey skin, and the four-foot frame, and reminding the public that humans keep a whole population of freakish flesh-sacks of their own, a class they call 'celebrities'.
The admission follows a warning from human xenobiologists to teenagers that this is what will happen if they continue the 'looksmaxxing' trend. "You want aliens to lust after your rectum? Because this is how you get aliens to lust after your rectum!"
According to the Joint Endeavor, the greys historically began as an ordinary species with ordinary insecurities. Estimates are that it took millions of years of looksmaxxing to turn them into the grotesque doll-like fragile figurines that they are today. Early artifacts recovered by humans from crash sites include what researchers describe as "measurement devices," "enhancement pills," and "a mirror in every room of the craft, including the engine room."
The Anatomy of Commitment
Xenoarcheologists have traced the popular human 'double-eyelid' surgery to technology stolen from downed alien spaceships. "We had a few extreme makeover starcruises that crashed on Earth, but they have NO idea how to use the tech," admonished the E.T. spokesperson. "Their post-surgery human eyes look like they have been through multiple trans-dimensional wormholes!" wheezed Treksy, with a tiny-throated guffaw. The passive-aggressive, adversarial-homoerotic, sexually competitive outburst was typical of the hyper-advanced, emotionally evolved, egotistical being. "We went through that eyelid surgery phase hundreds of thousands of your Earth-years ago. Now, we have, by far, the biggest eyes, with almost no trace of lid. You wish you could look this good," the spokesperson said.
The alien absence of ears, nose, and most of their mouths was ostensibly to look 'like cute little dolls', kicking off their dollmaxxing era of evolutionary downsizing.
The spokesalien continued to fawn over itself in the most annoying way possible. "Adore my smooth skin! In 400 years, I have probably put a small moon of moisturizer on it. The pallid grey-skin teases, 'you can't touch this unless you want infection.'" Grey is the color of never. Très chic. The maintenance routine runs to 340 steps and ends with the removal of pores as a category. "They do not have skin the way we have skin," said a dermatologist consulted by the panel. "They have finish. It is closer to a countertop."
The Joint Council did authorize the transfer of GLP-1 agonist technology, the spokesalien said, "just because we were so grossed out looking at your bloated bodies." The modern Ozempic drugs have kept them anorexically thin for millions of years, and they wanted to share that.
A Warning, Politely Ignored
A cosmetic surgeon who reviewed the panel's findings called the greys "the most important before-and-after in the universe." He noted that the before photo shows a being with a warm smile, visible pores, and what he described as "a perfectly fine face." The after photo is the alien.
"They did everything the forums recommend, and they did it with a discipline no human can match," he said. "This is what winning looks like. I want every nineteen-year-old asking me about jaw implants to look at that head and tell me he still wants to win."
At press time, the panel's report was trending on the same forums it described, where users praised the greys' dedication and asked where they got their work done.
Satyr Satire asked the spokesalien to share its skincare routine. The reply ran forty pages and began, 'step one: abandon the flesh'.