WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House on Monday unveiled architectural plans for two new wings, designated the North Wing and the South Wing, in what officials described as a "long-overdue completion of a building that has, frankly, been incomplete since 1800." White House officials, adorned in new "Propaganda" uniforms, announced the planned additions, saying the new wings will be added when the Ballroom, now officially titled the "Right Wing", is completed.
The new North and South Wings will form a balanced four-armed complex around the central historic building, with the existing West Wing shifted north of the center-line for "a racially pure aesthetic".
The ballroom, the architect added, will sit on the right side of the complex when viewed from above, "the right," he said, then paused, then clarified: "the far right." Insiders report that staff has been referring to him as "The Architect of Doom".
The Aerial View
This new plan comes months after the White House "thinned the herd" of White House reporters. They are now asking for reporters to raise their arm quickly before proceeding. "Raise them sharply, with no bending of the elbow and a flat-handed, palm-down posture."
The architect said the team had reviewed the rendering "extensively," and that the resulting shape was "a known feature of cruciform-with-extensions geometry that has appeared in numerous civic and ecclesiastical structures throughout history." The next question was not allowed.
Whitehouse Position
The White House spokesperson, renamed Minister of Propaganda, further emphasized that the project was not a recent initiative. "Past Presidents, starting with Woodrow Wilson, have long wanted these additions to the Presidential home," the spokesperson said, citing what was described as "more than a century of preparatory discussion." Asked if the White House was prepared for the coming furor, they responded, "Yes, it is with great anticipation that we welcome the Fuhrer!"
A press copy defined "forced laborers" as "a labor pool whose participation is, by structural necessity, non-discretionary." The same document added: "This is exactly why we needed ICE to detain so many undesirables."
Historical Background
The spokesperson's appeal to ancient origins glides past the symbol's nineteenth-century reactivation. In the late 19th century, German scholars studying Sanskrit texts found similarities between Indian and German languages, fostering the "Aryan" myth. Archaeologists, such as Heinrich Schliemann, discovered swastika symbols on ancient artifacts, connecting them to Aryan migration and German superiority. A follow-up question about potentially changing the project received a sharp retort: "This is the final solution!"
Foreign Reactions
The German Foreign Ministry was the first to respond, issuing a statement of approximately two sentences in length that contained no verbs in any tense suggesting approval. Many of their past-tense verbs began with the letters "GAY", which is not the usual spelling for past-tense in German. The British government replied with: "Never give up, never gonna give up, never, never, never, never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and hurt you." The Swiss government issued no statement, but a senior official, speaking on background, said only: "We will not be commenting. We are not going to be drawn in. We have a long history with this, and the answer is no. We will, however, happily accept any gold or bank deposits from this project."
The Israeli ambassador to the United States held a separate press conference and suggested that "We are fine with it, as long as the White House is fine with our Gaza architecture."
Domestic Response
The US public was not asked for their input, the White House does not care about their input, and demolition has already begun.
What Comes Next
Construction started before the announcement, with environmental reviews to follow sometime after the full Epstein report has been released. A no-bid contract was awarded to a "guy they know from the old days," without specific credentials divulged. "A real good guy, a good fellow."
The administration has indicated that the project will be planned to be funded by private donations, but that the taxpayers would ultimately foot the bill. Three donors have already been announced; a fourth has reportedly committed but requested to remain anonymous until history books decide to research it.
At press time, the architect declared that he didn't have to defend his design, because it was "very popular on X" and also "it reflects the values of the current administration."