Washington After more than eighty years of denials, redactions, and hearings, the government confirmed on Tuesday what whistleblowers had insisted for decades: The aliens are here, they're queer, and we'd better get used to it. Humanity, presented with the most consequential news in the history of the species, collectively said, "OK. That's cool. Good for you for coming out."
Disclosure Day took on a whole new meaning, as naked aliens poured into city streets and cheered themselves, dancing and playing YMCA theme music.
Polls taken that evening found that only 4 percent of respondents were surprised, with the remainder reporting that they had 'assumed as much' or 'duh, everybody already knew.'
The delegation, which had prepared for awe and braced for panic, reportedly said, "It went OK, I guess. No one acted surprised by any of it. Everyone was mostly supportive."
On the US Military's Gaydar Since 1947
According to one retired colonel, the United States has had the visitors "on the gaydar since 1947," when the first craft was recovered outside Roswell. The colonel asked to remain anonymous because he "didn't want any of that gay shit around him."
The decades of secrecy, he explained, were never a cover-up so much as a courtesy. "It was a don't-ask-don't-tell situation," the colonel said. "We didn't ask, they didn't tell, and everybody kept their dignity. This really isn't the disclosure we wanted. Now it'll probably become a whole thing."
This really only increases tension in battle situations, he ranted. Sharing such close quarters in a small UFO is not what his troops signed up for. "Some of our men have even felt uncomfortable being probed by them," he added. "Although several are OK with it."
Humanity Kinda Knew the Whole Time
The conversation skipped past the existence of extraterrestrial life entirely and settled on what matters most: the aliens' sexuality. "I knew from my first abduction. Their telepathy had a clearly gay lisp to it," one abductee reported. Scientists insist that telepathy cannot have a 'lisp'.
Others worked from the available evidence. "Anyone that runs around stark naked is probably more than a little experimental," said a man interviewed outside the cordon. "And that smooth skin is the giveaway. They probably shave their entire bodies."
The Delegation Insists You're Not All That
If humanity declined to be amazed by the aliens, the aliens returned the favor. Snap!
Their little outing went aggro quickly. "We have only one gender," they admitted. "Does that make us gay?" The question held the aura of a challenge.
They quickly and defensively pivoted the conversation to heterosexuality. "How are you even able to understand the opposite sex?" the spokesbeing asked. "That seems like a ton of work and suffering."
Pressed for its overall assessment of the species it had crossed the galaxy to meet, the delegation was gracious about the wars and forgiving about the governance. "Of all of humanity's failures," it said, "we pity your boring fashion the most."
The spokesalien asked for time, so that the aliens could come into themselves and stop projecting. One of the delegation could be heard running down the rest of them. "I could fly this UFO myself," the alien said, eyeing the saucer. "These other bitches have no clue."
By Wednesday the confirmation had slipped off the front page entirely. The delegation, still parked above the capital and still hoping for a reaction, was said to be weighing a second, louder announcement. Humanity, asked whether it had any questions at all for its first confirmed visitors from another world, said, "You be you."
Satyr Satire approached the delegation for comment. They had never heard of us because they only read "Vogue".