New Delhi — India's political scene has been infested with the new "Cockroach" Junta (party), consisting of disenfranchised Indian youth, which, when you think about it, is a whole lotta people! The Party claims 22 million members, a figure the Election Commission of India has not independently verified, because they scurry around too quickly. The Commission confirmed Thursday that this single Party has filed over 47,000 nominations just for its own candidates, a figure the Commission described as "exceeding our administrative capacity by approximately 47,000." Security Forces have been frantically spraying the areas that the Party members are seen, as well as "wherever you saw the last one run to."
The growth rate has alarmed the Ministry of Home Affairs, which announced Wednesday that the Party would be "monitored, regulated, and addressed," using language identical to a press release from 1987 regarding bedbugs. A party representative retorted that their party can survive anything, even a nuclear exchange with neighboring Pakistan.
The Infestation and Outbreak
The Junta's origins trace to a March press briefing in which India's Education Minister, asked about rising youth unemployment, referred to the country's under-25 population as "cockroaches and parasites who refuse to disappear." Within forty-eight hours, the phrase had been adopted by the offended demographic itself, first as ironic merchandise, then as a slate of candidates, then as a movement. The Junta's just-hatched official scientific advisor offered a key clarification: "They are not parasites. The government is morally anemic, no parasite can live off them. The Junta doesn't need them, we are fully self-sufficient. We are cockroaches."
Asked how the Party can grow so quickly, a socio-entomologist said "these are young adults that still live in their parents' basements and have learned to reproduce without a mate. For most of them, it was their first experience of sex."
The Raid™
Acting on the Ministry's directive, the Enforcement Directorate raided the Cockroach Party's nominal headquarters, a Mumbai building known to the Party as the Roach Motel™. Officers were unable to confirm whether anyone had been present at the time of the raid, citing inadequate lighting and one officer's account, "they keep checking in, but they never seem to check out."
The Ministry's statement on the raid emphasized that "approved chemical agents, manufactured by SC Johnson," had been deployed and that the operation had been "thorough." The Cockroach Party's statement, released within the hour, confirmed that the raid had occurred, that the chemical agents had been thorough, and that the Party was now present in 47 additional locations within New Delhi as a direct result.
"Each raid breeds new chapters," a shiny new larva Party spokesperson explained. "We are pests to your authority. We are bugs in your software. We only carry a few diseases, far less than other political parties."
The Junta supplemented its constitutional argument with scripture, read enthusiastically out of context, citing Manusmriti 12:56: "A Brahmana who drinks the spirituous liquor called Sura shall enter the bodies of small and large insects. Well, HERE WE ARE, BABY! Come get some!"
Who Was Here First
The Ministry of Culture argues that the cockroach, while present in India, is not part of any traditional Caste, and therefore lacks standing to participate in national elections. The Cockroach Party insisted they fall into the Chandala (untouchable) Caste, because no one wants to touch a cockroach. The Party further observes that it has been present on the Indian subcontinent since it was called Bharat, long before recorded history, and would definitely be there when those other parties are in their next earthly incarnations.
A constitutional scholar noted that the Cockroach Party's claims are "not without precedent," pointing to the Mahabharata, an ancient Indian poem, where a locust swarm is referenced, but only as imagery. "Yeah, I guess something covered Krishna's chariot, like a swarm of bugs, and Krishna was like 'oh, gross! So disgusting!' Then he revealed his Vishvarupa (divine form) and proceeded to step on them or something." Satyr Satire is still trying to confirm the educational credentials of this scholar.
What Comes Next
The Election Commission has confirmed that an emergency administrative session will be convened to address the candidate-filing backlog. The Cockroach Party has confirmed that it will continue to file candidates during the session. The Party expects to spawn several thousand additional candidates during the session itself, depending on how long the session runs.
Asked if the Cockroach Party could sustain continued Raids™, a newly-spawned representative said, "one of us can live an entire month on a single bread-crumb. We will always be lurking, maybe somewhere in the laundry room." The Ministry, meanwhile, plans to continue vigorous sweeps with very large brooms, and plans to jump on nearby chairs and scream if any more come out.
Satyr Satire requested comment from the Ministry of Home Affairs, but only got "Get them off! Get them off!" in response.