Los Angeles A globally beloved entertainer announced this week that she had identified a healthy, happy two-year-old living in quiet obscurity, and vowed to rescue the child from that obscurity at any cost.
The star, who learned of the toddler through a foundation she founded to find children for herself, said she was 'devastated' by footage of the girl laughing in a modest kitchen with two parents who knew her name. "No child should have to grow up like that," she said. "Unphotographed."
Authorities are already wresting the child away from her birth parents, arranging her forced relocation to America and fast-tracking the coveted EB-1A 'Einstein visa', the extraordinary-ability classification normally reserved for geniuses and Nobel laureates, awarded here on the strength of the child's extraordinary ability to become family of someone famous.
Rescued From a Forgettable Life
Meanwhile, the expectant adoptive mother has engaged two baby-name corporations to replace the child's cultural name, which she found boring, with something cooler, like 'XTC' or 'B@byTyger'. Under the plan, the child will be lifted from her loving home and installed in a compound where she will be raised by a rotating staff of nannies, none of whom is permitted to form an attachment that might later be subpoenaed.
The child will receive the best of what unlimited money has to offer: childhood therapy, private tutors, rotating security personnel, and access to drugs that even Philip Seymour Hoffman could only dream about.
Experts retained by the star's foundation confirmed the arrangement was in the child's best interest, then declined to define the child, the interest, or even themselves.
A Proven Pipeline
The entertainer justified the forced abduction, noting that every child previously rescued by a celebrity of her stature had gone on to hit infamous milestones in history: a first arrest as a tween, bizarre social-media rants, rehab in high school, and a lifetime of recovery stints and/or prison sentences.
"It's my dream to raise a celebrity child who burns out and maybe even dies before their 25th birthday," the entertainer said.
The girl's biological parents, reached at their home, said they were devastated, confused, and would really like their daughter back. Local authorities there stipulated that the child had been legally purchased: a modest sum, roughly two weeks' wages in the impoverished area, had already been transferred to the parents, and nothing could be done. And since the parents are effectively 'nobody', their petitions will be ignored by everyone.
The Child's So-called 'Future'
Asked what the child herself wanted, the star's representatives clarified that the child is currently more of a showpiece than a human being and may eventually be allowed to assert its own will, but probably not until it asks for emancipation.
In memory of Philip Seymour Hoffman, 1967-2014, an actor of truly extraordinary ability.
