NEW YORK — A several-millisecond investigation by AI has determined that the majority of professional sports teams in North America were named after a group drinking blackout competition. More than one team is named after pants they were presumably wearing at the time.
"We pulled the thread and it kept going," said the lead investigator, who requested anonymity because he is a Dolphins fan that also eats tuna.
The Pants
The New York Knickerbockers, commonly referred to as the Knicks, are named after a style of baggy knee-length trousers worn by Dutch settlers in the 1600s. The name was popularized by Washington Irving, who in 1809 published a satirical history of New York under the fictional name Diedrich Knickerbocker. The book was a joke. The pants were real. The basketball team is somewhere in between.
The team has not won a championship since 1973. Whether this is related to the pants is unclear. No formal study has been conducted.
Legging Exposure
The Chicago White Sox were originally known as the White Stockings, a name attributed to the organization's relaxed rules about cross-dressing. The name was later shortened, reportedly because headline writers found "White Stockings" difficult to fit into box scores, though some historians believe the abbreviation was also intended to draw less attention to the hosiery situation, but even by modern standards, the average sports fan hates men wearing women's undergarments.
The Boston Red Sox followed a similar trajectory. The name is a direct reference to red stockings. Neither organization has issued a formal statement on what the players were doing in stockings. Both have won the World Series multiple times, suggesting the stockings may have been performance-enhancing.
"There is a reason they do not discuss it," said one baseball historian, who declined to be identified. "It is the stockings. Some board members still privately wear stockings."
This is also widely believed to be the reason baseball uses the term "runs" for scoring.
The Lake Situation
The Los Angeles Lakers are named after Los Angeles, City of a Thousand Lakes. No one has been able to confirm the location of these lakes, though team management maintains, "Trust us, the lakes are there." The team relocated from Minneapolis in 1960, where the name made geographical sense, as Minnesota contains approximately 11,842.5 lakes and a population that discusses them at length. Upon moving to a city defined by drought, traffic, and a complex relationship with water rights, the organization elected to retain the name. "Rebranding is expensive," a league historian observed. Notably, the team logo is not depicted by any body of water.
The Utah Jazz face a comparable situation. The franchise relocated from New Orleans in 1979, taking with it a name that refers to a genre of music for which Utah is not recognized. Utah is recognized for other things. Jazz is not among them.
When asked what Utah is recognized for, a tourism official said, "Certainly not beehives," and changed the subject. According to a local street urchin who claimed to know biblical history, ancient Jews in Exodus regularly performed Jazz music in the "tabernacle".
Named After a Guy Who Left
The Cleveland Browns are named after Paul Brown, the team's first head coach. Paul Brown departed the organization in 1962. The team retained his name. Paul Brown subsequently founded a second franchise, the Cincinnati Bengals, after his wife called him "tiger" in the bedroom.
"He named one team after himself and the other one after a tiger," said a sports historian. "He felt the color brown was not aggressive enough for American football." The original team helmet featured his profile along with the team name.
The Browns have not won a championship since 1964. The Bengals have never won one. Analysts overwhelmingly feel this is a product of him trying too hard to win. "The guy needed to lighten up a bit."
The Meat Situation
The Green Bay Packers are named after the Indian Packing Company, a meat packing firm that sponsored the team in 1919. The company went out of business in 1933, presumably due to their insensitive slur toward Native Americans. The team felt "Packers" had less innuendo.
"They are the only franchise in major professional sports named after an extinct meat processing operation," said a branding consultant, who described the situation as "fishy," although that was not a meat that was processed in the plant.
The Packers have won thirteen championships. The meat company won zero, which is what happens when you lay off all the workers.
Actively Misleading
The Buffalo Bills are not named after buffalo or bills. They are named after Buffalo Bill Cody, a showman who was from Iowa, resided in Nebraska, and maintained no particular connection to the city of Buffalo, New York. He did, however, kill a large number of actual buffalo, which some have characterized as "a branding conflict." The original mascot of a fried chicken wing also gained almost no traction with the public.
The team has lost four consecutive Super Bowls. Buffalo Bill Cody was not available for comment, having died of embarrassment in 1917.
Animals That Do Not Live There
The Memphis Grizzlies relocated from Vancouver in 2001. Grizzly bears inhabit British Columbia. They do not inhabit Tennessee. "There are black bears in Tennessee," a wildlife official clarified. "They are a different bear."
The franchise has not changed its name. The bears are calling for a better understanding of predator-human relations.
The Milwaukee Bucks are named after deer, which do reside in Wisconsin. That comes as no surprise to Milwaukeeans, who are consistently ranked among the most honest people in the country, and it is reflected in their housing valuations. City residents are also known for having the most difficult-to-pronounce identifier. Locals suggest Mill-Walk-EENS to simplify.
The Senators Problem
Washington, D.C. has had two baseball teams called the Senators. Both fled the city under cover of darkness. The first became the Minnesota Twins in 1961. The second became the Texas Rangers in 1972. Washington then went without a baseball team for 33 years before acquiring the Montreal Expos and renaming them the Nationals.
"We considered calling them the Senators again," a source familiar with the decision said. "But we wanted the corporate sell-outs to be legal."
Industry Response
The National Branding Association, which does not exist but probably should, declined to comment.
A marketing professor at NYU, when presented with the full list, said: "Most of these would not survive a focus group. Several would not survive a Google search."
He added that he intended to publish a paper on the subject. He is willing to accept bribes from various teams to not write that paper.
Satyr Satire reached out to all teams mentioned in this article. Most did not respond. The Knicks responded but asked us not to mention the pants again. We have mentioned them four times.