HOUSTON — Senior executives at the world's five largest oil companies held a joint press conference Monday to express what they described as "profound and deeply felt concern" over the ongoing crisis in the Strait of Hormuz, pausing only occasionally to execute haphazard, drunken gymnastics and pump their fists toward the ceiling. Brent crude, which has surged 55% since the Iran war began, briefly touched $120 per barrel during the event, at which point the CEO of Shell broke a rib, rolling around in the money moshpit with other industry leaders.
"This is a tragedy," laughed ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods, reading from a prepared statement while being physically lifted onto the shoulders of two vice presidents. "The people of the region are suffering. The global economy is suffering. We are suffering." He then pointed to a chart showing record quarterly profits and said, "This is the suffering I am referring to!" before being carried off stage to what sources described as a standing ovation from the board of directors.
"We Didn't Start the Fire," Says Man Holding Matches
The International Energy Agency on Tuesday called the disruption "the largest supply disruption in the history of the global oil market," a designation that oil traders said the world "still hasn't fully taken advantage of." The traders delivered this warning from the deck of a newly purchased yacht, where they were hosting a fundraiser for themselves.
Iran shut down the Strait of Hormuz one day after reopening it, re-imposing tighter control within hours in what analysts described as the geopolitical equivalent of letting someone see the dessert menu and then setting the restaurant on fire. The U.S. Navy responded by seizing an Iranian cargo ship in the Sea of Oman, a move the Pentagon described as "stabilizing" and Iran described as "not stabilizing."
United Airlines, which cut its annual forecast after absorbing a $340 million fuel cost increase, issued a statement noting that "the airline industry continues to face unprecedented headwinds." An ExxonMobil spokesperson responded to the airline's plight by saying, "That's terrible," while placing on-line bids for rare antiquities from Lloyd's auction house.
BP released a four-page open letter titled "Standing With You In This Difficult Time" that contained the phrase "our hearts go out" fourteen times and the phrase "record earnings" zero times, though an early draft obtained by Satyr Satire contained both phrases in the same sentence. A BP communications officer said the draft was "taken out of context" and that the sentence — "Our hearts go out to everyone affected by these record earnings" — was a typo.
Industry lobbyists urged Congress to fast-track new drilling permits as a humanitarian measure. "The American consumer is hurting," said the American Petroleum Institute's chief policy officer, straightening a tie that cost more than Derek Mumford's Honda Civic. "The only way to ease that pain is to let us drill in several national parks. For the children."
At press time, a consortium of oil executives had announced a $50 million donation to a disaster relief fund that they had named after themselves, stipulating that the funds could only be used to purchase fuel at market price.
This article was written with the assistance of a housecat that insisted on walking on the keyboard. All facts were sourced from real-world reporting. The backflips, while fictional, are spiritually accurate. Satyr Satire reached out to several oil companies for comment; all declined, citing "an extremely full calendar of undisclosed celebrations."