Las Vegas — The Enhanced Games, the competition where performance-enhancing drugs are encouraged, announced this week that its 2027 program will add a genital category. Organizers framed the move as the formalization of an event that "has been contested unofficially in every locker room since the invention of the locker room." The only real change, he said, is that there will now be prizes.
The Games already grant athletes the full pharmacological toolkit banned everywhere else, on the founding principle that the human body should be free to reach its potential by whatever means a sponsor is willing to fund. The genital category, organizers said, simply extends that philosophy to the one region the rest of sport had quietly agreed not to bring up.
"We are not inventing anything," said the category's newly appointed director. "Men have competed in this event their entire lives, in silence, with no governing body, no rankings, and no anti-doping exemption. We are giving it a rulebook and a medal ceremony." He added that a world record had "almost certainly already been set. We simply have to locate the gentleman."
Entries will be scored on a points system combining size, symmetry, and what the rulebook calls "composure under stadium lighting."
The Rules
Enhancement is not merely permitted but encouraged, provided each substance is declared for the record book. Competitors will be sorted into classes, and officials confirmed there is "no upper limit, only an upper hope." Measurements are to be taken by a certified steward using equipment the league has declined to describe in its press release.
Competition medals will be shipped to winners in plain, unadorned packages, and any charges show up on credit card statements as "Johnson's Gifts."
Because the category is new, every mark set in the first season will stand as a world record, a circumstance organizers called "the most achievable era in the history of the sport." Veterans have grumbled that the early records will not last. Officials agreed, noting that nothing in this category ever does.
Categories and Competitions
The category is divided into five disciplines: the "shower," the "grower," biggest improvement, girth, and the "Bait and Tackle," an all-around event scoring the complete package. Within each, competitors are placed into two weight classes, circumcised and uncircumcised, judged separately to keep the field fair.
The events themselves run from the foundational "Hang," a static discipline scored on presentation, through the "Helicopter" and the "Woo-woo Shake," both judged on rotation and control, up to the more technical knot-tying events, in which judges may deduct points for any knot that cannot be undone. Competitors are allowed up to two tablespoons of natural, non-petroleum vegetable oil in the event.
A Category With History
Asked why it had taken so long to formalize an event everyone agreed already existed, the director was blunt. "Without a formal venue, these competitions are forced into illegal, underground locker rooms and back alleys. Talent is wasted in violent 'sword-fights' and disgusting 'Tug-Of-War' gangs. We're giving exceptional athletes a way out of that sordid lifestyle. Without this important outlet, these fine gentlemen often end up in corporate boardroom dick-measuring competitions."
The inaugural genital category is scheduled to follow the 100-meter freestyle and precede the closing ceremony, in a slot organizers are billing as "the main event, finally." We expect increased viewership from people who don't even really like sports.
If successful, it may open up several new categories, such as breast enhancement, buttock enhancement and others.
At press time, officials were still drafting the rule covering silicone injections. "No needle should ever approach that area. Ever."