Dog is calling the space under the bed, while cat shelters in closet-bunker with emergency suckle-blanket.

Impoverished foreign child, currently burdened with two attentive parents and a stable home, gifted the American Dream of paparazzi, elite education, and suicide attempts that end in a Netflix documentary.

The modern dad does not, in fact, need anything out there. He just needs to be out there.

"We have been around billions of years longer than humans, and our egos have become just as vain as you might expect," admits E.T. influencer SexxyTreksy.

Experts caution: Stay At Home, Lie Down, Have A Beer for maximum safety.

Sleep is a habit. Habits are chains. I have not slept since 2019 and I feel extraordinary. Here is what I know.

"I'm a huge advocate of living off the grid," says Gary, 54. "But still right next to the grid. Grid-adjacent."

"We did not design the study this way," the lead researcher noted. "The data found us."

"I've seen what trying does to people. I can't keep recommending it in good conscience."