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Industry leaders pray for a peaceful resolution, while enjoying gymnastic exuberance as Brent crude passes $120 and the champagne budget passes $12 million.
Senior executives at the world's five largest oil companies held a joint press conference Monday to express what they described as "profound and deeply felt concern" over the ongoing crisis in the Strait of Hormuz, pausing only occasionally to execute haphazard, drunken gymnastics and pump their fists toward the ceiling.
Brent crude, which has surged 55% since the Iran war began, briefly touched $120 per barrel during the event, at which point the CEO of Shell broke a rib, rolling around in the money moshpit with other industry leaders.
"This is a tragedy," laughed ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods, reading from a prepared statement while being physically lifted onto the shoulders of two vice presidents. "The people of the region are suffering. The global economy is suffering. We are suffering."
"You cannot un-triple-dog-blockade," says a senior official, in a citation that legal scholars described as "unsourced but unfortunately binding."
A several-millisecond investigation by AI into the pathetic pathology of poorly positioned product placement.
A new Stanford study finds that AI data centers are diverting water from neighborhoods, people, and crops to pour onto thirsty AI chips — which, it turns out, do not want it.