July 4, 2026
OPINION

# America, you are fucking this up

Ben Franklin goes on motherfucking epic rant at the big ol' shit-hole the United States has become.

Holy Shit! I can't believe you people do this ... Fuck! This has gone all to Hell! This is not what we intended.

We didn't start this country with stupid ideas. We started with terrible ideas; founded on slavery of Black people and the genocide of Native Americans. That is not a good way to start any country. But you all somehow made it worse!

250 years in, and this disastrous experiment has gone so far off the rails, it is the proverbial train full of dumpster-fires, derailing off of a collapsing bridge into a gasoline depot at the edge of a dry forest.

Geez, King Louis, try sharing some of the world's wealth with other, poorer countries. You don't have to fucking hog the entire fiscal pig-sty! I wore a fur cap and passed the hat at Versailles to fight the British. You could easily end these warlords and tribal conflicts in Africa with some serious loans.

And stop hating on France, they are our best buds. If the French hadn't helped us against King George, you would all be wearing powdered wigs and walking with giant sticks up your butts. You can thank me and France for not having to suck Keir Starmer's dick right now. It's OK if you want to call them 'Freedom Fries', though, those were never French. The French actually make tasteful food, unlike the crap you eat.

And another thing! Stop enabling pervert, child-fucking Oligarchs. No one needs that much money, no one! Just look at the shitty things they are doing, raping kids, promoting war, removing your entitlements to a good life! Put an end to those assholes. Capitalism is good, but you just proved it needs some guard-rails and limits.

OK, putting actual humans on the motherfucking MOON is balls-out, shit-fucking awesome! I'll give you credit for that.

But what in the ACTUAL FUCK is the racism all about? I mean, I bought and sold slaves in my time, but by the end of my life, I realized that was shit-stupid! You all are here, 250 years later, and a Black man still can't get a break! Give it up, you racist bastards. This country is about equality for everyone.

Mother of Mercy, respect women, for pissing sake! Still no women President, after 46 old white guys?? Your list of Presidents is whiter than a plane load of Republicans crashing into a mayonnaise factory at the North Pole. OK, the Black prez was cool. But for the love of shart-storms, pay women an equal wage and give them equal respect! My wife Deborah ran my entire press shop, while my equally brilliant sister died without any notice, bearing 12 children and relegated to a kitchen-wife. In hindsight, I should have paid them, don't be a greedy miser, like me! And to the foolish women, you can do a lot better than 'Stand By Your Man' when voting. He's an idiot the other 364 days of the year, why trust him with your vote on voting day?

And just. stop. going around the world, kicking ass every chance you get. Did you not listen to Washington's departure speech? He covered this exact same fucking topic!! No Foreign Wars! Your national debt is now insane from all those wars. A trillion dollars saved is a trillion dollars earned! When you have to use a word that a 15th century French mathematician coined to describe your national debt, that's a reasonable clue that you've gone too far.

Alright, I admit, I had no idea about the extra-terrestrial thing. None of us even dreamed such a thing was possible. But you need to end the Probing. Just tell your governments to negotiate with them. End the Probing. That shit is disgusting! Other than that, pretty cool about the Aliens, let's give them equal rights when they visit. I call dibs on the next spaceship ride, I'm still looking for my kite.

For reference, I established 13 virtues: Temperance, Silence, Order, Resolution, Frugality, Industry, Sincerity, Justice, Moderation, Cleanliness, Tranquillity, Chastity, and Humility. But let's add one or two more:

14. Get your ego under control (file that under Humility, Part 2).
15. Anal guard: no more alien probes.
16. Be willing to start over. This might be my most important recommendation, given this shit-hole country you've manufactured.

Also, the President was never supposed to have this much power - dude has become another king, and we fought a hard war to put a stop to kings. Don't backslide into dictatorship now. Congress shall enact EVERY law to curb Presidential power and restore 'Checks and Balances'. Jefferson was the smartest man I ever knew, and you're ignoring him like a three-dollar whore in a needle-infested back alley.

Also, why are your bifocals all black? I invented those so you could see through them, can you even see where you are going with those shades on your face?

The esteemed Pennsylvania delegate proceeded to wax maniacally for the next 93 minutes about how everything was our fault, not his, before suddenly falling asleep in his armchair, snoring and farting, and occasionally starting with 'the redcoats!' before dozing again.

### Related Reading

- Washington's Farewell Address (1796)
- Nicolas Chuquet, who coined 'billion' and 'trillion' (1484)
- Benjamin Franklin, 'Fart Proudly' (1781)
- Franklin's 13 Virtues (Autobiography)

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Satyr Satire is embarrassed about our ancient founder's dinner-table saltiness, and apologizes to everyone mentioned.

Tags: Editorial