# Teen's Near-Death Experience Mostly Just Playing Video Games In Heaven

Dead relatives ignored, teen raves about the awesome GPU in heaven and no DLC.

Providence A 16-year-old who was clinically dead for four minutes during surgery has returned with a detailed account of the afterlife, which he describes as an enormous open-world video game featuring unlimited respawns, fast travel between major cities, and, most notably, no fall damage.

Cody's death, brought on by sleep deprivation and a caffeine overdose, was instantaneous, with no loading screen at all. He described the experience as "really fast. I didn't even have time to crack open a Monster Halo Infinite." He had thought there would be a tunnel of light, or something, at least, but there wasn't one; he simply spawned in.

Upon arrival, the boy reported, he was brain-loaded a short tutorial, without too many spoilers, and a map that was mostly clouds, revealing only his location. "It was BOSS!" he said. "Like 64K rez on a million FPS, and maybe, I dunno, five-dimensional?"

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## The NPCs

When asked by his parents if he saw his deceased grandmother, the teen scrunched his eyebrows to remember. "I think she might have been there, but maybe in the kitchen or something making me a snack while I was playing a totally RAD first-person shooter." "I did see my old dead cat there, which was cool, I guess, but he kept jumping in my lap right in the middle of the boss fights." He added that in the distance he could see the Pearly-Gated Content that he would have to grind to.

“Blessed are those that crush the high score.”The Holiest of Holies, Sermon on the Couch

## Jesus Confirmed To Be The Ultimate Couch Co-Op Teammate

"I got to hang with Jesus and we went on a premium rampage!" the teen said. "He even shared his Cheetos. He was like, 'Blessed are those that crush the high score.'"

The teen went on to rant about the Lamb of God's mad skillz. "That dude had like 40 thumbs and they were moving like Neo in The Matrix! While we were chilling on the points screen, he turned to me and blessed my water into a Code Red Mountain Dew! That is divine providence, right there!"

But it was his own co-op partner who delivered the bad news. "Then he was like, 'Dude, you gotta go back,' and I was like, 'Uh-huh, no way!' and he was like, 'Ya-huh, yes way.' Awesome comeback, but I was pretty butt-hurt over it. He said, 'You got important quests to go on down there.' Then he let me win a few levels."

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## Returned With A Purpose

During recovery, Cody revealed that he was ultimately sent back for failing to read the end-user agreement in Heaven, and lamented having to play on 'his shitty PS5' that couldn't compete with his transcendent rig in the sky. But he was grateful for the journey, because he got to replay all the games he had played before, with angels coaching him on button-combos.

While dead, Cody had been saluted by every player on the server with a solemn 'F,' virtually tea-bagged, then completed a total respawn.

### Related Reading

- Near-death experience (Wikipedia)

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No one in the Satyr Satire office could beat Cody in a team deathmatch, except the Editor in Chief, who enabled God Mode.

Tags: Afterlife Gaming Near-Death Theology Sports