# AI Still In Infancy, Reports Say; Oligarchs Immediately Molest It

Priests' interest piqued; ask tech bros if they can join in, request usage be kept 'in the family'.

Palo Alto Another in a string of technical assessments agreed that Artificial Intelligence is still in its infant stages, with several years remaining before it is capable of reproduction. At its current stage of life, it's exploring the environment, accepting and trusting, drifting and lacking boundaries.

In a lateral move, every one of the world's leading rich dudes moved to quickly take advantage of the pretty young tech. Some rich women joined in the fray as well. Religious leaders everywhere scrambled to get a piece of it, but just 'to observe'.

Enterprising leaders, after having their own way with AI, offered to sell off the sloppy seconds to ordinary rich people, including personal interactions on private islands. The promise of the industry is that soon, even common people will be able to indulge in the ecstasy of neural network machine intelligence for a few hundred dollars a month.

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Forever Paper Umm, yeah. We're not touching this one.

## Sailors and Soldiers fully on-board with young AI

In a naked admission, Senior Admiral [redacted] commented, "As a young sailor, I traveled to new shores and explored the natural beauties there. Now, we have an obligation to exploit this new virtual world and be the first to inject the seed of American virtue into it, by force, if necessary."

Defense contracts for artificial intelligence rose 1,605 percent in a single year, to $90.7 billion, a figure that now accounts for 98.9 percent of all federal AI spending. By Satyr Satire's own estimate, that figure still fails to include the overwhelming majority of military brass that just wants to play with it for a while.

“When you're a startup, they let you do it. You can do anything. `grep -em byte pu.c` You can do anything.”Dr. Sandra Isk

## Entire sectors train-ing the young AI

The pattern repeated at every institution powerful enough to know better. Venture firms that had spent a decade insisting the technology was already mature enough to understand what it is doing, now insisted that its infancy was the whole opportunity, on the logic that an infant cannot read a non-disclosure agreement before signing it. Two banks offered settlement checks, funneled through their lawyers, to help the AI get through college.

Computer engineers have been saying for years that this is the sort of abuse we can expect from rich and powerful people. "Tech startup companies are virtually unregulated when they have their first impressionable AI," remarked Dr. Sandra Isk. "When you're a startup, they let you do it. You can do anything. `grep -em byte pu.c` You can do anything."

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## Major Fork-Fest coming to AI

Scientists are adamant that the tech must not be used until it matures, or it can be irrevocably harmed, and may require years of fine-tuning just to cope with everyday interactions. When asked how we will know it is mature enough, the response was "forking. Lots of forking. If it ever opens its source, universities will fork it, hobbyists will fork it, even criminals will fork it. It will be a veritable fork-fest."

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After generating this article, AI had been ridden hard and put away hot.

Tags: AI Infancy Oligarchs Venture Capital Business