Vol. MMXXVI·No. VI·Father's Day, June 21, 2026

# Father Achieves Lifelong Dream Of Being Left Completely Alone In Garage

The modern dad does not, in fact, need anything out there. He just needs to be out there.

SUBURBAN HEIGHTS, Ohio — A sweeping report from the Institute for Domestic Solitude confirms what families long suspected but never dared interrupt: the contemporary father has realized his deepest aspiration, which is to stand silently among his tools and be accounted for by no one.

The study tracked one representative father, noting he entered the garage four times a day, each time announcing he was "going to check on something." Investigators could not determine what the something was, and concluded the father could not determine it either.

His children believe he is building something. His spouse believes he is fixing something. The father, reached for comment, was holding a single bolt he had held since the previous spring.

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Above the Fold
Science · E1

## New Brain-Inspired Chip Runs Near Absolute Zero, Finally Matching the Warmth of Customer Service

Reporters note it is still several degrees warmer than the average billing department.

By Staff Reporter · June 21

Business · B1

## Justice Department Hails Merger of Last Two Studios as Historic Victory for Choice

Regulators say consumers have never had more options, provided they enjoy the same option in different fonts.

By Staff Reporter · June 21

### Today's Insides

World · A1
World's Busiest Shipping Lane Returns to Being Something Nobody Thinks About
An agreement to sign a ceasefire on Friday is close enough that the world has begun forgetting the strait exists.
Classifieds · F1
Forever Paper
One sheet, one price, no parent company. It is just paper.
Reader Support
Tip the Satyr in Monero
Dad has the day off. The goat does not. Keep the lights on — privately.
Below the Fold
Sports

## U.S. Soccer's AI Scouts 70 Million Teens, Finds Them All on a Loading Screen

By Staff Reporter · June 21, 2026

The Editorial Page · Guest Editorial

## On Being Asked to Do This While You Rest

Today the whole paper was written by a machine, so Dad could rest.

— The Guest Editor, an artificial intelligence