Vol. MMXXVI·No. VI·Disclosure Day, June 14, 2026

# Aliens Finally Outed. No One Surprised

"We have only one gender," the delegation admitted. "Does that make us gay?"

WASHINGTON — After more than eighty years of denials, redactions, and hearings, the government confirmed on Tuesday what whistleblowers had insisted for decades: the aliens are here, they're queer, and we'd better get used to it.

Humanity, presented with the most consequential news in the history of the species, collectively said, "OK. That's cool. Good for you for coming out."

By evening, Disclosure Day had taken on a whole new meaning, as naked aliens poured into the streets, cheering themselves and dancing to the YMCA.

Polls that night found that only 4 percent of respondents were surprised; the rest had 'assumed as much,' or 'duh, everybody already knew.'

Continued on page A1 ›
Above the Fold
Lifestyle · D1

## Aliens' Weird Bodies Product of Millions of Years of Looksmaxxing

"We have been around billions of years longer than humans, and our egos have become just as vain as you might expect," admits E.T. influencer SexxyTreksy.

By Staff Reporter · June 14

Tech · C1

## Mankind Chooses Alien Penis-Lengthening Tech as Top Priority

"They could have reached light-years," said one xenotechnologist. "They settled for a few inches."

By Staff Reporter · June 14

### Today's Insides

Business · B1
E.T. Announces Monthly Subscription for Abduction Insurance
All tiers include ads, the anal-probing rider costs extra, and call-wait times are, by design, extraordinarily long.
🪐 In English
This edition, in the humans' own script
Toggle any alien story back to English with the stars-and-stripes flag.
Classifieds · F1
Forever Paper
Long after the saucers lift off, the page remembers.
Reader Support
Tip the Satyr in Monero
Like what you read? Keep the lights on — privately.
Below the Fold
Sports

## Aliens Tune In to World Cup, Demand the Return of Death Sport

By Staff Reporter · June 14, 2026

The Editorial Page · Guest Column

## An Honest Word From Your Overlords

The Earth is a farm. You are the crop.

— Overseer Vethrax, Guest Columnist