July 4, 2026
Biz

# E.T. Announces Monthly Subscription for Abduction Insurance

All tiers include ads, the anal-probing rider costs extra, and call-wait times are, by design, extraordinarily long.

Low Earth Orbit The visiting delegation announced Tuesday that humanity may now insure itself against abduction for a recurring fee. The plan, called StarzShield, can be elevated through four levels: Basic, Plus, Pro, and Enterprise. Cancelling any level requires four supervised escalations through sales channels, each of which will likely involve upgrading your plan.

The lowest introductory tier begins at an affordable $14.99 a month, billed directly to your credit account, and prevents only basic alien abductions from three species. The email announcement describes the product as 'Reasonable Protection for one member of your household,' and offers a family plan covering up to five Terrans.

Advertisement
Forever Paper No subscription. No deductible. No one will ever call you.

## Coverage Is Not Prevention

Coverage, the delegation clarified, is not the same as prevention. The monthly premium keeps the policy active. A separate deductible applies to each abduction. Claims are then adjudicated, after the fact, by a department that has so far denied every one of them. The most frequently cited denial code is 'Act of Alien.'

"People hear 'insurance against abduction' and assume it means we will not abduct them," said the spokesalien, through a mouth the size of a coin slot. "It means that if we do, you may file a claim. The claim will be reviewed. We want to be very precise about the word 'reviewed.'"

Anal probing is out of network. Coverage requires a separate rider, sold at additional cost, subject to its own deductible, and void if the probing is later classified as 'routine.' A memory wipe, should the policyholder want one afterward, requires prior authorization, which is processed only after the memory has fully formed.

You are paying, continuously, for protection that is conditional, capped, and mostly denied. This is in accordance with human custom. — StarzShield spokesalien

## The Most Advanced Insurance in the Solar System

Early subscribers were confused to learn that they were paying a subscription, every month, for insurance that did not cover the event, and that still charged a deductible when the event occurred. The delegation acknowledged the design without apology. "Yes," it said. "You pay forever, the coverage is conditional, and the claim is usually refused. We did not bring this with us. We found it operating here, at scale, when we arrived. It is the most advanced consumerism on your planet."

The delegation was careful to note it had not designed the plan from scratch. Humanity has sold itself abduction insurance since 1987, through a Florida agency offering ten million dollars in coverage, disbursed at one dollar a year over ten million years, with genuine protection against the sarcasm of one's own family afterward. In nearly four decades it has paid out exactly once. "We read the human policy," the spokesalien said. "It seemed an odd custom, but we wanted to fit in here on Earth. When in Andromeda, act as the Andromedans do."

Reader Support Tip the Satyr in Monero. No auto-renew, no deductible, no rider for probing.
More info

## Kafka Was Probably an Alien

Subscribers wishing to cancel are routed into a retention flow of six screens, a satisfaction survey, and a final offer of one additional abduction-free month at half price. Those who reach the end and confirm are returned, instantly and automatically, to the free tier, where they are once again fully abductable. "Most people stop on screen four," the spokesalien said. "We learned how to create bureaucracy from your expert, Franz Kafka."

One subscriber, abducted in March despite an active Plus membership, described the aftermath. "I had the plan. I paid the plan," he said. "They took me anyway, and when I got home there was an email saying my claim was denied because the abduction occurred outside business hours. I called the number on the card. I am still on the call. I have been on the call for several days."

The delegation confirmed that the introductory rate may rise at any time without notice, and that any such change would be disclosed only in an updated Terms of Abduction that no policyholder is required, or in fact able, to read.

At press time, a premium add-on called Probe Concierge was being trialed for Enterprise members, offering a dedicated abduction companion that may hold your hand during all uncomfortable procedures, and tell you everything will be OK. It won't.

### Related Reading

- Alien abduction insurance. This is real. A Florida agency has sold it since 1987: ten million dollars of coverage, payable at one dollar a year for ten million years, with genuine sarcasm coverage included.
- Protection racket. A scheme where a group offers, for a fee, protection from a threat it itself controls. Today, we call it 'insurance'.
- Dark pattern. Interface design engineered to trick users into choices they would not otherwise make. Studied by the delegation as a sacred human text.

Share this story: satyrsatire.com/covered · ID: CLA1M

Satyr Satire attempted to reach StarzShield for comment. We selected our issue from the menu, were assured our call was important, and remain, at the time of publication, covered.

Tags: Aliens Disclosure Insurance Subscriptions Business